The Anti-Valentines

Ah humor, laughter is the best medicine.  Here are a few jokes that will either have you sleeping on the couch or in a coma, but they are funny nevertheless.  Please women, put your jokes in the comments, and please keep them clean.

The Magic of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: ‘If you want your Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day’.  Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?’ I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies. I stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’ Without missing a beat he said ‘Worked for your bum, didn’t it?’ He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.

Freedom of Speech

A man says to his buddy:  “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months”

Buddy says:  “Wow, why not?”

The first man says:  “I don’t want to interrupt her.”

Generosity

A lonely man puts an ad in the classifieds saying, “Wife wanted.”  The next day, much to his surprise, he was inundated with responses all saying “you can have mine!”

Better Than an Attorney

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.  As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

Opportunity Knocks (or Chivalry is Dead)

A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.

In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.

He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.

The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”

Be Careful What You Ask For

One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.

“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.

Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”

God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”

“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”

“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”

“How much”, asked Adam.

“An arm and leg”, God replied.

Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”

The Ages of Women

  1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
  2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
  3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
  4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
  5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn?

Required Courses For Women

  • Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
  • The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
  • Parties: Going Without New Outfits
  • Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
  • Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First.
  • Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
  • Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
  • Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
  • Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
  • Introduction to Parking
  • Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
  • Water Retention: Fact or Fat
  • Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
  • Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
  • Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
  • Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
  • PMS: Your Problem… Not His
  • Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
  • Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
  • Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
  • Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
  • Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
  • TV Remotes: For Men Only

Banking Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new “Drive-through” teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

MALE PROCEDURE

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Put down your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Put window up.
  7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
  4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
  5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  8. Insert card.
  9. Re-insert card the right way.
  10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  11. Enter PIN.
  12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  13. Enter amount of cash required.
  14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
  15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
  18. Re-check makeup.
  19. Drive forward 2 feet.
  20. Reverse back to cash machine.
  21. Retrieve card.
  22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
  24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  25. Redial person on cell phone.
  26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  27. Release Parking Brake.

The Woman’s Prayer

I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death.

A Most Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?”

“My husband’s.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.”

Teaching Through Example

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Creative Medicine

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

The Quiz

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain that I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

Q. How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A. You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can’t stand to see a man have a good time.

Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

Men Have Skills

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” He responded.

“Oh, killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

5 Responses to “The Anti-Valentines”

  1. You’re still single, aren’t you?

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